What do you prefer, respect or…


“He’s never going to raise his voice to his parents! ” The very gentle, nice father appeared very decided. “That’s what I learned from my parents,” he said.  I looked at his wife and she nodded her head in agreement. “Ok,” I said” I get that.” “Do you ever yell at your son? “Sometimes…,” the father answered. “Often” the mom answered very honest. “Well, then you lost your right to demand that your kids will never yell at you. Because…what they learned from you is that when you are frustrated and angry you yell! That’s the way you show them to behave when you are upset! And…for children in general, it’s much harder to control their emotions, just because they are kids. So if you can’t…” The parents looked up pretty confused. I continued: “If you punish as you did, and 10 year old Stephan is not allowed to go to a birthday party because he got upset about something and yelled, you are more taking revenge as the one that has the power, then that you teach your child how to express his frustration and handle his stress. You expect that your young kids are able to control themselves better then you yourselves are able too! Isn’t that interesting?” “Yes”…the dad said…”that’s how we learned it…” Honestly, the couple was great in their intentions to create a more happy family life then they had ever experienced themselves in their childhood. No one asked them ever how they felt about all that they went through. They just behaved well and adapted to the situation…and then the problems show up later in marriage. “  

Even though you don’t like it when a kid is yelling, you can tell him or her: ”I hear you are upset, but I can only talk with you when you are calmed down, Take a deep breath and start over, calm…” Do not send them away for punishment. The message is only: “When I am expressing how I feel, then they send me away. They don’t love me the way I am.” Honestly, that is a deep, conscious perceived notion. But crucial in awareness for being loved and appreciated for who you are. It is a key for being afraid later for conflicts and for speaking ones truth. Yes…and that’s why so many children, teens are alienated from their parents and fight so much. Often, parents do not really listen to the needs of their kids, concerned as they are for not having their own need met for respect. I am sorry that in public schools not a little bit time is dedicated for tress-release in a world where stress is only increasing, and typically in the schools. And…for children in general, it’s much harder to control their emotions, just because they are kids. They still have to learn. So if adults can’t…why the kids should do better…” Teach what you want to see! Prefer authentic connection above superficial, feelings suppressed politeness.