Carla Van Walsum, Ph.D.

Anger-Relationships-Family Constellations

Anger-Relationships-Family Constellations

You want to be kind. You want to have peace in your home and in your relationships. But how do you achieve that peace when you are so upset that it’s almost unbearable to express your frustration calmly and peacefully?

What is happening when someone “loses it” and turns into another person? The Kabbalah teaches that when a person gets into a rage, the soul leaves temporarily. Your higher self seems not to feel comfortable with uncontrollable rage. One third of the Americans seem to walk on eggshells; fearing a partner (or child) who gets inflamed too easily.

However, anger is a trigger notifying you that something isn’t right, a sort of wake-up call. That means you are invited to spend time for reflection and action. But before you take action, release the anger!

One cause for anger is the way we think as the Crystal Clear Communication model explains. We project our unmet needs onto others and blame them for how we feel.
“It is your fault!  It is because YOU did… If you would really love me you wouldn’t have done this.” Boom! This is an example where we give our power away and make the other person responsible for our feelings. It is a standard way of communicating with one another.

Connecting our feelings to our NEEDS, helps to understand WHY we get so upset or angry. “I feel unhappy because my needs for-respect-intimacy-peace-harmony-appreciation etc. are not met.”

And who is the only one that can take care of my needs? That’s me. So, friendly requests can be made to serve your authentic needs and you’ll see that most of the people are willing to honor those requests.

“You are always late!” (This is attacking, accusing and alienates us)

“I thought we agreed on meeting at 7pm?” (This is connecting and inviting to solve the problem)

“Always” and “never” are exaggerations that you use to show how upset you are but don’t serve the truth.

Why would we get angry if our needs are not met? 

When we did something “wrong”, our parents and teachers usually responded with anger, rejection, punishment or took our cherished items away (which is actually teaching to use power or revenge by the strongest person rather than teaching respectful conflict resolution).

So we learned that our behavior made them upset. They made us responsible for their feelings.

The punishment was supposed to do the job of teaching insight and learning to prevent problems in the future. However, most adults remember the punishment they received as kids, but not the wrong-doing. Punishment has a blame-shame-guilt mechanism, it results in disconnection from the adults, and in unmotivated behavior. The hidden message is that we were loved conditionally.  And that’s how we enter as adults in intimate relationships with poor conflict resolution skills. You won’t take the phone of your partner away if he’s not doing what you want her/him to do. But how do you resolve conflicts?

Behavior of others or situations that occur can trigger and open our Pandora ’s Box of unhealed childhood issues that we have stored in our sub consciousness. In the past our needs for respect, validation, appreciation and justice were -at times or often- violated and a current situation triggers those not forgiven, deep buried memories. The more frustration we carry, the easier we can infuriate today when we get triggered.

Forgiveness and healing the past is an effective way for avoiding anger outburst but also insights in our learned mechanism. Take responsibility for your own –emotional-needs.

To change your thinking about the subject is another powerful step. Elevate your thoughts with the Emotional Guidance Scale (one of my tools).

Family Constellations

Anger and rage can also be a sign of inherited trauma, believe it or not. Science has shown that unresfamily constellationsolved trauma, which is nothing else then an energy field stored in the limbic part of the brain, can be carried on to younger generations. The limbic parts are connected to our emotions.

“Leon is a 17 year old teenager. His mother told me that he doesn’t want to go to school anymore, doesn’t feel he has any purpose in life, he is depressed or gets angry about the most futile things. Leon totally changed from a happy easy-going guy into a different person. There was no clear explanation to be found and of course, the parents were very worried. My first question was if there were grandparents related to a war. My client shared that her father was a in the Vietnam and Korean war and came back as a changed person. He was often angry for no apparent reason and suffered from depression. He became a violent father, feared by his kids.

We did some family constellation work to search for the cause, and it showed that the grandson was connected to the unhealed traumas his grandpa experienced. It was surprising too that the symptoms started shortly after the passing of Leon’s grandpa, two years ago. After two sessions family constellations Leon became his old self again and is till today a motivated college student.”

Participating in a war creates subconscious conflicts. Loyalty to your country (conscious) as a soldier conflicts with killing people (your personal conscience). The question arises too how impact-full is it to your psyche to carry the responsibility of taking someone’s life.

Observed from energetic perspective; to kill someone creates strong negative energy and includes anger and fear, where perpetrator and victim connect.



And here is where we started: You want to be kind and feel peacefully. So, cut out blame, shame and guilt and ask, not demand, for what you need. Never blame someone else for what he or she doesn’t give you. No one owns you anything.
There is no one to be found on the entire planet who can and will take care of our needs 24/7 so better let’s do it ourselves.
To ponder about: “Do I want to be right or do I want to have peace?”

Dr. Bert Hellinger said: “Don’t argue. Your opinion isn’t any better, it’s only different”. I would like to add there that only verbal, physical or emotional violence is no subject for acceptance or negotiation. “Violence” as I learned for AA Uriel, “is never permitted.”
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