Carla Van Walsum, Ph.D.

Do not take it personally!

Do not take it personally!

Do not take it personally!

Really?  No one to blame? Is it THEIR stuff?
One of the tools that contributes to personal happiness is this quote from Don Miquel Ruiz: “Do not take it personally!”
It is a very simple phrase that contains much wisdom. As adults we can choose to relearn communication, free of blaming, manipulation and guilt trips. We can choose to awaken and practice kindness, compassion and loving acceptance in our thoughts and behavior. We reframe our conscious mind with clarity, undo and release habitual thinking patterns stored in our Epigenetics, our “emotional DNA”, and we become aware of the energy of words.
We learn to shift gears if we tell ourselves that we do not take it personally when someone brings us out of balance, hurts or blames us. On top of that we learn to honor our needs. The compassionate model of Non-violent Communication /Crystal Clear Communication that I teach couples and families supports the clear observation which includes no criticism, comparison nor judgment.   To identify ones feelings as a response to unmet needs makes that one takes responsibility for his own unmet needs, instead of putting that on the lap of another person.  That means that you first have to become more aware of what feelings and what needs are connected.


 “Do not take it personally” suggests how to deal with criticism, blame or whatsoever when someone sheds and projects their triggered baggage on you.  It’s their stuff, not yours…Let it go.
We have been raised in a world where everything had to be taken very personally because that’s how the world raises kids. “If you don’t do as I, your parent or teacher want you to do or to behave, then I am getting angry, unhappy and I push you, my child, away, punish you or worse.” “We deny love and affection because YOU are the one that makes us angry”.  “You make me unhappy!”  (Isn’t that showing up again in our intimate relationships?).

No, you are unhappy because your needs are not met. That can be the needs for harmony, for peace of mind, for being understood, appreciated, being a happy parent and respected.  Yes, you can ask for that. You can request, but not demand.  How often don’t I hear from clients that sad sentence: “My dad  was very tough on me, he didn’t see me, and I don’t know why…”  Generational patterns?
Thus, as adults in our search for a happier life we learn insights about communication. Interestingly enough is that I have met many people that enthusiastically embraced this Do-not-take-it-personally– statement  from  Miquel Ruiz. Actively using that sentence on crucial moments helped them to feel relieved and freed them from feeling hurt and guilty.  But if I asked them how they would feel if their children would say that sentence to them as parents in case of a dispute … They were not so sure if they liked that idea. Immediately the fear raises its tricky head: “What if….my kid speaks to me like that? He won’t listen to me, I will lose power, control and influence and they will get lost…?”  

No, that’s not necessarily the case. It’s more an opportunity for self-reflection and personal growth of parents. How do they express their feelings and needs towards their children? Are they respecting the needs of their kids?Isnt the desire to control fear based? Do I as a parent need to step back instead of pushing my own vision through?

 Isn’t there automatism in behavior of the parent as a result of being tied to unresolved issues of their own upbringing? Cold mother, cold daughter, becomes cold mother… angry father- angry son-, becomes angry father…  When are we really the person we are supposed to be?

Next workshop
Unlock the Hidden Information of Your Energy
trans generational patterns and burdens show up and demonstrate how our personal relationships are influenced by the past of our family experiences. So, lots of work to do at the conscious and subconscious level!



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